Personal Essay Number Four
The task of self-exploration.
Sierra Spraker | May 24, 2023
It has always been my understanding that the task of self-exploration is one which takes a lifetime. And even then, perhaps it’s never completed.
There are those, as far as I know, who are always searching. Searching for answers, perspectives, stories, and even their own narrative. Is this a potentially dangerous task? Or am I not doing enough to complete the task of understanding myself to the highest potential?
These are rhetorical questions of course, as this is a sample of the thoughts buzzing around in my head. But perhaps they are worth considering.
Who will I become?
When will I find peace of where I’m at?
Where am I going to end up?
Will I end up alone?
Will I find myself constantly searching for what else might be there?
These are natural questions, and not new to anyone of any age. I suspect they are lifelong questions for most.
I recently finished reading a book which touched on the idea of self-exploration, but through the lens of plant-based drugs. In brief, it was the history, the results, the use cases, and an assessment of the then present-day situation society found itself in with regard to drugs and other addictive substances. It was wildly fascinating, because it was a perspective I had never known before. I had never heard the argument for the infusion of ancient plant-practice into everyday life, to the point where it becomes a doorway to understanding yourself more. This opinion isn’t common, nor is it shared frequently.
At the end of it, I was left with all these questions. Perhaps it’s simply the phase of life I’m in. At age 24, there are so many aspects of life which can be discovered and delved deeper into. Of course I will readily admit I don’t know where to begin. I’ll also add that this unknown doesn’t bother me at all; it’s almost a peaceful equilibrium.
When it comes to daily discovery, development, and creating openness, the best course of action I’ve discovered is living each day with the revitalized mindset as the gift of a new day. Yes, completely cheesy and overdone words. I personally have found new meaning in it. I’m not, by nature, an optimist. I’d like to say I am, but I’m simply not. I fall much more into the category of a realist. To a fault, I should add.
It’s a lesson I imagine I will be enduring for the rest of my life, how to incorporate my realist tendencies into the gift of a new day. How can I improve as a person, a friend, a partner, a family member - there are plenty of ways I’m sure. The basis of my thoughts are in the foundation of the constant search for a better version of myself. I truly want to be an optimist because I love the beauty of the small, simple things. I don’t require much. Some examples of this would be in the morning. I love the sounds of birds. The feeling of a newly risen sun. The smell of damp leaves drying.
I fall far into the mind of a realist as soon as the day really sets in. I have my paycheck to work for after all, but I’m searching still - even if it falls into the back of my mind and/or subconscious.
A recent conversation with a friend indicated an optimistic outlook I have been clinging to. The take was the year of 2023 is going to be a good year. A formative year. A year with so many changes it would make my head spin and my stress levels rise higher than usual. But a good year nonetheless. It is important to me I hold onto this feeling, this thought, this idea, because while we can never pick our variables, we can certainly find constants.
I look forward to musing more this year as time unfolds.